totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
