I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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