And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
