No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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