just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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