I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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