i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
