Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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