Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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