what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
