I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
