I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
