My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
