I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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