Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
