here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize