I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
