if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
