I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
