I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He better not be in your backpack
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
