Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
