at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
