dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
