Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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