true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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