what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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