I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
