I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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