Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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