i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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