Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
