my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
