she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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