i think my tv is drunk
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
