I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So vagazzling was a success
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
