Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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