so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
