Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
