Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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