You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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