did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
