can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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