I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
