She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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