Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
