You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
