I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You ruined the universe
Randomize
