U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
