When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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