when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
