just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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