just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
