You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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