Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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