Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
