Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
