so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
