You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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