Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
