I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
