just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
